more tales of cat

goodbye, goodbye,
good friends, goodbye.

i loved bear in the big blue house :)

like i'll always love every single person what comes into my life.
like i'll always love the memories.
like i'll always love my family.
like i'll always love my friends.
like i'll always love my teachers.

though as we grow up, we'll probably forget something's we said we would never forget. i hope that in my final moments, i'll be able to smile, remembering all the wonderful people i grew up with.

there really is no words i can say that could convey what i really feel about everyone except i love you. i really do. you might think i say this phrase very freely, but i believe that love differs to each individual.

to me love is
being able to put a smile on my face,
being able to make me cry,
being able to make me laugh,
being able to make me feel warm and happy...

with a smile, and all the memories, i'll remember. though we might forget sometimes, i will remember the love; the joy and the tears.

today started off... bad... i woke up to get my phone only to realize the last file i wanted to transfer couldn't transfer... then i got to school. omg so exhausting. then we left for the cheras campus! i sat on the aisle. haha. but that wasn't bad...

in fact today became a very very very happy day. i couldn't be happier :')

yes, leadership night... the day we are officially stepping down as prefects to make way for the new board. yes we were expecting the water works! but it didn't happen O_O surprisingly! even when i completely humiliated myself by tripping on the box a cheras prefect had already told me to look out for just minuets before i fell over it in front of a hall full of people -_- but that was fun :D

my feet are so sore... and tomorrow no one will be going to school but me... yet still it feels like, i'm on top of the world today :) you know why?because today i got to see my probate get his tie on stage... i got to see all my juniors achieve their dreams... my probate, he got what he wanted :) though my other probate couldn't be where the other is today, i'm still so very proud of him, even till now, for never giving up, and always staying true to himself :)

all the hugs... the photographs... the videos... the high 5's... the empty laughter... i really am going to miss this. though i didn't cry, i am and always will be happy, because this is what life had intended for me. destiny, maybe? to change someone else's life, like how every person who had come into my life had changed mine. i'm really thankful :) to every single person, you might not know it, but in someway, you have managed to make this sad, conflicted girl grow up more every day...

as he knows, haha, i am super proud of him :D so proud that words can't convey what my super stoned face can't convey either. haha! :D i'll always be proud of him, for making it, for never giving up, for always pushing himself, for always trying harder, for trying his best every time, for always laughing(for the wrong reasons; but not the wrong time!), for taking it easy when he should, for being serious whenever he should be... but all and all, for being the awesome person he really is and has come out to be :) i doubt he'll ever read this! haha! but i am, and always will be proud of him and believe in this mischievous but (again)awesome, boy :) i'm going to miss you! :(

yes i'm proud of all my girls too :P my 3 now very famous and outstanding prefects! somehow this only boy prefect makes it different! maybe it's because it's my last year too... and that, against all odds, he made it anyway :) wooh! so so so so so very proud of you! :D you know who you areee :)

i only noticed this when i was flipping through the pictures in my camera... the last time i saw a smile like that on my face was when i was in form 2... during my birthday celebration... i remember looking at that very picture, a few months ago, wondering to myself, was i really that happy? it turns out i was... i just... forgot... and drowned in every droplet of sorrow each day brought me, i had forgotten what it was like to have something bigger than yourself take over and change you forever.

i hope we've all grown and changed for the better :) as of right now, through all those nights of endless praying and worrying, we got to see the rainbow :) i hope that i will have many more days, many many more memories like this that i will carry with me, till the day i die :) i am going to miss this. but i wont be sad. because i'm lucky enough to have had experienced it, felt it, and lived through it :) i'll always believe, and i'll always, always! smile :) in my heart. Because as long as i have a dream, i will smile. and my dream is to touch as many lives as possible, and help them to grow, change and live with happiness. i'll never forget you :) ever. because you have changed me for good :)

bahaha just watched two movies over dinner: Final Destination 1(believe it or not we had seen 2,3 and 4 but not 1 prior to this :S) and Where Got Ghost by Jack Neo. see how prepared i am for SPM.

Final Destination 1 was so demonic in comparison to the consecutive installments. omg. freaky. i think i liked the 2 and 3rd installment better... the 4th was dominated by graphics and uncertainty! i guess thats what the masses like about it... the thrill... of not knowing; expecting, yet if they receive the wrong information, their not too happy about it. bahahah Ali Larter looks so much nicer as a blond and no bangs. hehehe

Where Got Ghost was quite freaky. haha. funny la but had it's share of wtf-omg-*coverseyes* moments. The final story of the movie(to those who don't know it's a 3 part movie) was quite sad. very touching. What makes it worse was that al they had ever asked for was money.

money. money. money.

i hear people complaining about their parents and grandparents. moaning and groaning about how much of a pain they are. watching this show reminds me of all the times i had actually spent with my grandmother... how my parents always joked about asking her for 4D... it's been about 10 years, i can't say i remember much... i remember her talking to me in chinese... asking me to learn chinese... to be a good girl... to move the rabbit's cage so we wouldn't need to call uncle raju to cut the grass that often...

i'd sit with her in the evenings and watch her chinese shows i couldn't understand... wish her goodnight before going to bed, leaving her on her favorite chair she loved to sleep in... we'd give her the ice cram cake we'd cut for our birthday on a blue plate, i can't even remember if she ate it... she'd let the rabbits eat the kangkung she planted in the garden... she would have let my brother and i get away with murder...

we would drive her to church every sunday so she could meet her friends... i remember sitting on her lap as we'd make our way to the church every sunday morning, and getting my finger caught in the car window... as she got older, she had to go to the hospital more... she had to use a walker to get around the house... i remember i found her underwear in my underwear drawer once and asked my mom how come i had such big undies...

eventually, when i came home from school i'd see her less and less... on a few occasions we'd go to the hospital to see her... i don't remember much of the place... just that it was a big white room and we had to pass a room filled with curtains light green curtains... she'd be with my aunt and uncle most of the time... she'd ask them how we are while we paced around the room, impatient to go home but not daring to speak...

one day she came home... with oxygen tubes and drips... but she was home... we had installed cameras to monitor my grandmother from wherever we are in the house... we'd check on her every morning and every night... even after we said goodnight we'd watch her on the screen, making sure she was safe and comfortable...

one morning i woke up to my dad telling me that she was gone... the tv was on, the image was in black and white... all i saw was a rectangular box sitting in the middle of the floor which once had a table and my grandmothers favorite chair... i remember my brother and i wore matching black shorts and white shirts during the funeral... everyone was in black and white... except my granduncle who was in blue...

i remember staring into the casket... just staring... i wonder what i was looking for... i remember seeing my dad and his brothers and sisters wiping their eyes every now and then... i understood what he had meant the moment he said she was gone... but i never cried... even when i knew she was gone, she was never coming back... no one i have to fight for the tv with... no one to make sure i eat my vegetables... no one to speak to me in mandarine at home... no one to send to church to every sunday morning...

it's been 10 years... yet it feels just like yesterday when we put her into the ground... after she was gone, the two coconut tree's she disliked was burned down by lightning... the dog she disliked passed away soon after... all she had left for us were the fruit trees... the rambutans... durians... mangos... and ciku...

i never met my other grandmother... or my mothers mother... they had been gone long before i came along... my mother's father used to come over and make sure we had our afternoon naps... he'd play with me and my two huge stuffed dogs... now he's spending more time with my two younger cousins...

for those complaining, you have no idea how lucky you are. what i would give to have my grandparents with me now. i never knew them, but i can only hope they would have loved me... sadly i'll never know... i miss being young(er)... where i knew nothing but play... where i could be content talking to myself through barbie dolls... where i knew i had a grandmother to come home to...

 

there are a few titles that mean a lot to me... for various reasons... maybe i'll share them here someday...

speaking of music, i believe i forgot to mention joanne and andrea's duet during our testimonial day... that haha, was the moment i believe everyone cried the most. i don't know about you, but... yeah... my heart broke when i heard the lyrics :'/ see i don't even know if i should be happy or sad... it's so bittersweet... but they did a really really amazing duet :')

lets see! what are the titles!
1. The Rose by Westlife
2. You Raise me Up by Westlife
3. True by Ryan Cabrera
4. Try Smiling by Kang Dae Sung :)
5. Home by Michael Buble
6. I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane by John Denver
7. Seasons In The Sun by Westlife
8. Redundant by Green Day
9. Whatsername by Green Day
10. Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver
11. You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Colins
12. Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper

haha these songs are in no particular order :) but there are more! i just can't remember them right now... need my memory to be stimulated.... haha :) one day i'll tell you about them :)

I wont talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you

mmmm I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

this song brings back a lot of memories :) my first audition. haha :) to cempaka voices :) also a lot of other things... why i chose this song... who it was meant for at the time... see i'm so sappy :) i should be a leaf. hehehe :)

then i'll never get hungry. except at night. cus i'll be able to make food on my own in the day :P all i have to do is stand in the sun :D hahaha

ok fine i got that from jan-jan :P